Soon after we lost Grant, a good friend of mine asked me to share with her my thoughts on faith. I thought it was incredibly ironic for her to ask me to do that at that moment because I felt as though I had none. But the request prompted me to do some searching and this is what I told her.
"I've thought a lot about faith as of late, mostly because mine has been shaken to the core. Through my whole life I would say faith has come easy to me. Even during hard times I have always been able to have an eternal perspective, and know that God loved me and had a plan for me. When I lost my first baby 7 months ago, my faith was easy to hold onto. Of course I was devastated and grieving but I felt God's love every step of the way and knew this was part of the plan. I also knew without a doubt that my baby boy was in heaven and that we would be together forever someday.
Two weeks ago when my second baby died was when my faith was really put to the test and still is. Soon after we found out, Marcus suggested to me that we must not have learned something the last go around that we needed to learn. He was kind of joking and at the time it just made me mad, but right now I think that is true. Whatever the trial, we always have more to learn. But having faith was not what I thought of when we lost this baby. I was truly shocked and mad. So many emotions have stayed with me since that moment. I felt like there was a broken promise, broken trust, I was angry at many, and most of all I just felt it was all unfair. Top that off with the physical, mental and emotional effects of having a child die and there you have a recipe for disaster. I am part of a blog for Angel Mamas (mothers who have lost children) and I get to read and share everyday with other women who have gone through what I have. But none of them have gone through it twice! My sister in law was talking the other day about how you can always see someone who is suffering more than yourself, and I was thinking you're right! That person is me! These feelings consumed my thoughts and accordingly my time. I so badly wanted to be thinking about my little boys and my eternal family, but again, I was just hurt and angry. One day I finally told my husband how angry I was and that I hadn't felt the spirit since the baby died. I admitted that although I knew I hadn't felt the spirit, I almost didn't want to because that would mean letting go of this hurt and that was all I had. I knew that Satan had hold over me, and I didn't really care. These feelings were new for me and in the back of my mind I knew I needed to let go of the pain and embrace the spirit, but for the first time in my life that didn't come easy to me.
I love to read and usually plow through the Ensign when it comes every month, but interestingly enough my Ensign subscription had expired a few months previous. So I was nervous, but happy when my mom placed the conference edition in my hands last week. I started reading and although I had listened to conference, I didn't remember any of it, and so many of the talks had information that applied to my situation now. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "...Yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight." This confirmed to me that I was the reason I couldn't feel the spirit.
President Henry B. Eyring spoke entirely of faith. I knew that I had faith, but it was pushed so deep inside me I was having a hard time figuring out how to bring it out. He said, "Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles. Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith. Moroni, the son of Mormon in the Book of Mormon, told us how that blessing could come to pass. He teaches the simple and sweet truth that acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it." Surely, I thought, I have a twig of faith, and that was all I needed. He continues, "I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop. There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience. Those reasons come from this one fact: in Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there."
I continued to study and then my mom reminded me of another example of unimaginable loss. Sivlia Allred tells a story they learned of when they were attending a branch conference in the Paraguayan Chaco. "Julio Yegros was the young branch president, and he and his wife, Margarita, were one of the few families who had been sealed in the temple. I asked them to share their experience of their trip to the temple. At the time, the closest temple was the Buenos Aires Temple in Argentina. The trip from Mistolar required 27 hours one way to reach the temple, and they had gone with their two small children. It was in the middle of a very cold winter, but with much sacrifice they made it to the temple and were sealed together as an eternal family. On the way back, the two babies got very sick and died. They buried them along the way and returned home empty-handed. They were sad and lonely but amazingly felt comforted and peaceful. They said of the experience: 'Our children were sealed to us in the house of the Lord. We know we will have them back with us for all eternity. This knowledge has given us peace and comfort. We have to remain worthy and faithful to the covenants we made in the temple, and then we will be reunited with them.'”
After I read this I realized that what happened to the Yegros seemed very unfair. They were doing the thing they should have been doing at the exact moment their children were taken from them. It is unfair, but just as they know, I know that my children are where they are supposed to be. I have no doubt that there is a reason. When my oldest son asked my why our babies keep dying, I was able to tell him with assurance that they are needed where they are and that we will be with them one day. My husband told me yesterday that the spirit spoke to his heart and told him that Heavenly Father has a purpose for our babies who have died. I am beginning to feel that same peace and will continue to hang on to my faith, even if it is just a twig, so that I can be worthy to be their mother for eternity."
One day, I was feeling really down, and fell to my knees out of anger more than anything. I prayed for help, but mostly just wanted an explanation for everything that had happened. I felt the most amazing feeling, as if my Heavenly Father was listening to me at that very moment. And a thought came into my mind that Heavenly Father was sad not for me, but with me. He knew how I felt because he had lost two sons too. It wasn't an explanation, but it gave me great comfort that I wasn't alone. Also, that in time, I would be okay.
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