{New Found Strength}

I had been dreading Baby Marcus' One Year Anniversary, but the day turned out to be wonderful.  There was a fresh blanket of snow that morning, which was just perfect because my husband's birthday is also in December and he loves it when it snows on his birthday.  I guess Baby Marcus does too.  Many friends and family braved the snow and came to the cemetery to celebrate with us and have hot chocolate (another favorite of my husband's).  I wasn't a complete mess, like I though I would be, and found new strength to talk to those there about our babies.  Another reason I was glad it had snowed was because that meant it was likely no one else would be there and I wanted to have a fun birthday party without disrespecting others who could have been visiting their graves.  So we did!  There was lots of smiling and love and laughter, just like there should have been.  After the cemetery Marcus and I got to go to the temple and to lunch, so it was just a perfect day.

Since then I have felt almost relieved to have that behind me.  I feel stronger and happier, and while I missed my boys during the rest of the Christmas season, I also felt their presence lifting me up when I needed it.  At the cemetery that morning, my husband mentioned to me that if we didn't have Marcus, then we wouldn't have had Grant.  Logistically he is right and I had never thought of that.  It makes me feel more like there is a plan for my family and that it will all work out in the end.

{A Hard Process}

It was hard for me to even start the process of getting a headstone for our babies.  But I felt guilty every time we went to their graves with nothing to show where they were.  My husband got a big side job in October and we put all that money toward the stone and I was happy to finally have the opportunity to get it designed and ordered.  I did the designing alone and of course wanted it perfect.  So I struggled for a week about tiny details on my prototypes.  I wasn't feeling good about making the final decision.  So the morning I was to go submit my final order, I sat in the tire store and poured over my papers.  But I wasn't feeling it, so I did the last thing I knew to do and that was pray about it.  I probably should have done that first.  Because I went to the monument company and was able to tell them decisively what I wanted and felt very at peace with my final decision.

My only concern left was if it would be placed before Baby Marcus' first birthday (can you even call it that??).  I thought I was ordering with plenty of time (over 2 months) but the company was a month and a half out and then after that couldn't guarantee any placement because of weather.  I usually welcome the change of every season, but this year the coming of winter made me nervous.  Nervous that my babies wouldn't have this gift from us.  With each storm I felt sick to my stomach, but really just hoped and prayed that the stone would be able to be placed.  A couple weeks ago I was having a hard day, can't even remember why.  But then I got an email saying our stone had been placed, and with pictures!  I called my husband and we were so happy!  We picked him up from work that day, got some flowers and went to see it.  It was perfect, just like I hoped.  When we left, I realized that was the first time I was kinda happy while being there.  A huge blessing in my eyes.  

On another note, I'm excited to get to the year mark for Baby Marcus, but am dreading it at the same time.  I want to celebrate on that day with friends and family, but I pretty much break into tears every time I think about it.  Probably that combined with this holiday season is making it even harder.  I'm trying to make it a happy time instead of focusing on the horribleness of it all.  But so many things bring back memories of that time when Baby Marcus died.  

The night after we found out he was gone, I couldn't sleep and so I lied on the couch trying not to bother my husband.  I just cried all night long, in front of the Christmas Tree.  I think now, at least there was a little bit of light to comfort me.

My children get an ornament each year and that is there favorite part of decorating for Christmas, putting their own collection of ornaments on the tree.  Then I found Baby Marcus' ornament, and felt sad that it would be his one and only.  Still I'm glad it is there.  Need to get one for Baby Grant.

We try to do some giving to those in need around Christmas time, so this year it seemed fitting to find two little boys that would be the same age as my boys to give gifts to.  I was trying to make it fun for the kids, even though I was having a hard time holding back the tears.  How I wish I knew what my little boys would be wanting for Christmas this year.  Well, I think this is what they would want.  So even though it was hard, doing things like this helps us remember them, and I hope it makes us better people.

{A Really Hard Week}

 I'm doing better and learning about how I can keep control (relatively speaking!) of my anger/sorrow/depression/bitterness/worry.  But a few weeks ago things were happening left and right that just sent me into a tailspin!
   We got to go on a family vacation of sorts which we had been looking forward to most of the year.  We spent a few days in Yellowstone with my brother and his family and then went on to spend the rest of the weekend in Island Park, ID in a lodge with the rest of my family for a reunion.  We had such a good time.
   The last night my SIL who is an amazing photographer, had offered to take our family pictures in a beautiful setting.  I jumped at the chance and planned for weeks on what we would wear.  I didn't think about the babies much during that time but I did end up bringing the two bears we have in memory of them, even though I wasn't even sure I wanted to use them in the pics.
   When it came time to do the pictures, we were all ready to go, but I had this immediate and overwhelming thought that we shouldn't be doing this because we weren't all there, and it just wouldn't be fair!  I really didn't want to do it, but forced myself to keep it together because of the situation and opportunity we had.  We did take some pictures with the bears which the kids loved.
   That just started the weeks events.  I opened up an insurance statement when we got home stating that the charges would not be covered from Grant's delivery because it was labeled an "abortion".  Really??  You think I chose for this to happen???  It did end up getting paid for, and I didn't have to explain to anyone that I didn't intentionally kill my baby.  But still very rude...
   The next day my two youngest started Kindergarten and Preschool (it also marked 2 months since we lost Grant).  I was excited for them but couldn't keep out of my mind that this wasn't how it was supposed to be.  I wasn't supposed to be going home to an empty house.  While I'm trying to take advantage of that needed time alone, it is not what I want.  Then of course I get the comments, "You're so lucky!"  Really?  "Oh, it won't last long till the next one comes."  Are you sure about that?  And so on...
   To top of the week, I had a baby shower to attend.  It was for a long time friend of mine who has had her own struggles with infertility and now has been pregnant with twins through her one shot at in-vitro, but ended up having them at 27 weeks, the day before we lost baby Grant.  The babies are doing okay, but still in the hospital and even though it was hard I knew I wanted to go so bad to support her.  I was probably in tears on the way there because of my week, but held it together and had a good time talking to old friends.  But it was like there was a huge elephant in the room, because I know some of these old friends knew about my situation, but nothing was said about it (not that I wanted it to be, but ya know).  My friend with the babies' sister came and talked to me, I hadn't seen her since before I got married, so I doubt she knew anything.  But she wanted to know how many kids I had.  I haven't been posed that question since I lost the babies and I immediately wanted to blurt out that I had 5 kids, but I couldn't do it.  I blurted out that I had 3 and told her all about them and how they are the loves of my life, all the while regretting not being able to tell her the truth.  I guess that really set me off, because as we were sitting around getting ready to open presents, the others were talking about the babies and how hard it is, yadda, yadda, and I just couldn't keep it in anymore.  I pretty much started sobbing and knew I had to get up and leave in front of everyone.  I gave my friend a quick, but heartfelt hug and ran out of there.  Another old friend followed me and we ended up talking outside for quite sometime.  So I didn't feel so horrible when I finally left, except for causing a scene when we were supposed to be celebrating my friend's happy time.
   I knew after that night's events that I needed a serious time out.  I asked my husband to stay home from several things he had that weekend and I did too.  In fact, I asked him to stay home on Monday as well.  We dubbed it Moeller Mental Health Day.  I've decided I should just have those days prescheduled and not wait for the breakdowns to happen till I do, because even though we had just been away, I just needed to be away, from the world.
  I'm beginning to just expect these hard times, but sometimes it feels like they will never end.

{A Summer Bike Ride}

Maizie got a new scooter for her birthday so we took the kids on a sunny afternoon to ride on the Jordan River Parkway.  We went about 2 miles out, then back.  The kids LOVED it and can't wait to go even further next time.

{Its a Jungle Out There!}

It really went crazy!  But also produced a ton of fruit and vegetables!

{backyard camping}

Camping in the backyard has turned into a great way of doing things.  The kids get all the aspects of camping they love (even the dirt!).  And I get to sleep in my comfy bed!!

{Hot Dogs and Baseball}

Our friends invited us to another Beez Game, this time with dinner included.  Gotta love some hot dogs and BBQ pork sandwiches!

Who knew the boys would be so fascinated with a giant pickle??

{Maizie and Riley}

{Ninja Pose}

Right after this picture Maizie learned a hard lesson about not being able to stab a pokey bush with an inflatable sword....

{Cousin Love}

We started watching our niece and nephew on Thursdays and Fridays in April.  The kids love them so much and are such a big help.

{Our Princess Pea}

This little girl just gets more fun everyday!!

Daddy gives her funny hair in the bath!

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{a Sunday visit}

A month had passed before we made it back to the cemetery   It was a beautiful Sunday, tears were shed, but we were happy to be together.  Grandma Nelson taught the kids to collect pine cones and place them on the graves of our loved ones during Memorial Day.  So that is what they did.

{Cousin Alli}

We had such a blast having cousin Alli here in Utah with us!  She is so sweet and helpful and the kids can't get enough of her.  We got to do lots of fun things while she was here.  Beez baseball game, Hogle Zoo, Seven Peaks, and her most favorite thing...SHOPPING!

{Alli ~ Sadie ~ Spencer ~ Ethan ~ Maizie ~ Cathy}

Still a goofball!