It was hard for me to even start the process of getting a headstone for our babies. But I felt guilty every time we went to their graves with nothing to show where they were. My husband got a big side job in October and we put all that money toward the stone and I was happy to finally have the opportunity to get it designed and ordered. I did the designing alone and of course wanted it perfect. So I struggled for a week about tiny details on my prototypes. I wasn't feeling good about making the final decision. So the morning I was to go submit my final order, I sat in the tire store and poured over my papers. But I wasn't feeling it, so I did the last thing I knew to do and that was pray about it. I probably should have done that first. Because I went to the monument company and was able to tell them decisively what I wanted and felt very at peace with my final decision.
My only concern left was if it would be placed before Baby Marcus' first birthday (can you even call it that??). I thought I was ordering with plenty of time (over 2 months) but the company was a month and a half out and then after that couldn't guarantee any placement because of weather. I usually welcome the change of every season, but this year the coming of winter made me nervous. Nervous that my babies wouldn't have this gift from us. With each storm I felt sick to my stomach, but really just hoped and prayed that the stone would be able to be placed. A couple weeks ago I was having a hard day, can't even remember why. But then I got an email saying our stone had been placed, and with pictures! I called my husband and we were so happy! We picked him up from work that day, got some flowers and went to see it. It was perfect, just like I hoped. When we left, I realized that was the first time I was kinda happy while being there. A huge blessing in my eyes.
On another note, I'm excited to get to the year mark for Baby Marcus, but am dreading it at the same time. I want to celebrate on that day with friends and family, but I pretty much break into tears every time I think about it. Probably that combined with this holiday season is making it even harder. I'm trying to make it a happy time instead of focusing on the horribleness of it all. But so many things bring back memories of that time when Baby Marcus died.
The night after we found out he was gone, I couldn't sleep and so I lied on the couch trying not to bother my husband. I just cried all night long, in front of the Christmas Tree. I think now, at least there was a little bit of light to comfort me.
My children get an ornament each year and that is there favorite part of decorating for Christmas, putting their own collection of ornaments on the tree. Then I found Baby Marcus' ornament, and felt sad that it would be his one and only. Still I'm glad it is there. Need to get one for Baby Grant.
We try to do some giving to those in need around Christmas time, so this year it seemed fitting to find two little boys that would be the same age as my boys to give gifts to. I was trying to make it fun for the kids, even though I was having a hard time holding back the tears. How I wish I knew what my little boys would be wanting for Christmas this year. Well, I think this is what they would want. So even though it was hard, doing things like this helps us remember them, and I hope it makes us better people.
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